In case anyone had ANY doubt in their mind.... yes, I have been spending too much time at the gym lately. And yes, I am becoming my own special variety of gym creep...
#1: 'The Starer'
There are few things in this world more offputting than being watched. The Starer does not need to say anything, they don't need to do anything. It's their unknown thoughts and intentions that make it so goddamn creepy.
Gyms can be dangerous places for The Starer: there are mirrors everywhere. I am running on the treadmill. I have a funny feeling I'm being watched. I look up, around, scan the gym. Nope, can't see anyone. Then my eyes fall on the mirror a few metres in front of me.... and.....Bingo. 6 o'clock. Some dude standing behind me, staring at either the majesty of my sweat-dripping ponytail or my ass. Cool.
But this is ambiguous: perhaps I have sat in a brownie and have an unfortunate stain on my backside (it wouldn't be the first time). I am willing to give this fellow the benefit of the doubt and move on.
BUT! Sometimes The Starer is more undeniably creepy. Sometimes I am on the elliptical or something and the person on the machine next to me has their head fully turned - Exorcist style - to watch me as I huff and puff and sweat and drool. Drool? Oh, you better believe it.
Sometimes I will be stretching on a mat and somebody will come and sit down a few feet away from me. And...watch. Not do anything. Not even PRETEND like they're sitting there for a reason. Not even make vague, token gestures like trying to touch their toes or examining a skin growth on their leg. They just.....watch.
But perhaps the worst is when they stare from afar. That's when I feel the most vulnerable and powerless. When they're close by - when I can keep them in my line of vision - I feel safer, more in control. When they're moving around, watching from different distances, spaces, areas, angles, I feel like I'm in The Truman Show.... never sure what exactly they're seeing, but always aware of their eyes burning holes in my brownie-stained butt.
This is just one step before 'The Copycat' (see below). This is the person who feels like your speed, distance, calories burned, weight, level, or reading material is their business. Or even worth looking at. Let me tell you this: It is not that interesting. I have no secrets. I am reading National Geographic. It is level 9. Speed is 12km/hour. Weight is 35kg. I have burned 118 calories. I have travelled 3.2kms. You're welcome.
Keep your eyes on your own work. And while you're at it? INSIDE VOICES AND EAT YOUR GREENS.
#3: 'The Copycat'
It makes me wonder just how far they'd go...
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. It's also among the sincerest forms of being a creep. 'The Copycat' is the climax of 'The Starer' and 'The Snoop'. It is where these two lesser forms of creep reach their peak.
Gym Copycat behaviour ranges from simply upping their treadmill speed to match the person next to them, all the way to following someone around the facilities, mimicking their exercises, stretches, and even mannerisms.
One time, a woman rode a stationary bike next to me, increasing the level each time I did. If I took a break to stretch, she took a break to stretch. If I took a sip from my drink bottle, she did too. Nearing the end of my workout, I hung my towel (read: festering rag of sweat) around my neck. She got up, walked to reception, asked to borrow a towel, came back, AND HUNG IT AROUND HER NECK.*
* but hers was not at all sweaty, nor was it festering. Check-flippin'-mate, Madame Creepazoid.
This is obviously on the extreme end of the copycat spectrum, but it was also fairly harmless. What is more alarming is when people copy specific exercises/repetitions/weights, without considering that they may be individual/sport/whatever specific. What works for me is not necessarily going to work for you: it may not be in line with your goals or abilities at all. There is a fine line between learning by observation and just being a dumbass. One size does not fit all and blindly copying someone in the gym is potentially dangerous.
^^^^ Do you see what I did up there?? I legitimised my petty gripe by masking it as concern for their safety and wellbeing. This is true, but mostly you are just frikkin' weird and creepy. Stop it.
#4: 'The Sex Face/Noise Maker'
This is perhaps (
perhaps...more on this later) the least maliciously creepy - it usually seems to be unintentional and purely impulsive. An uncontrollable reaction to intense physical exertion. Despite that, it is the most outwardly offputting - the gym behaviour that is probably capable of making the largest number of people possible feel really, REALLY uncomfortable. It's noisy, it's distracting.... and it's repulsive (unless you're equally creepy, in which case you might find it a turn-on).
The thing that is the most bothersome about Sex Face/Noise Makers is the possibility that it is not an innocent and uncontrollable behaviour, like a nervous tick. It's disturbing to think that they are, perhaps, deriving some sort of sexual pleasure from exercise, the gym environment, or their fellow gym-goers. With every rep, they appear more excited, more intensely focused, more.... aroused?
I am all for exercise as a feel-good outlet. But when I'm worried you're going to ejaculate all over the weights rack? That's creepy. And unsanitary.
#5: 'The Pervert' and 'The Pervee'
I'm sorry to stereotype, but it really is hard to imagine a pervert without a not-very-well-thought-out beard...
These two types have a beautiful and harmonious symbiotic relationship. The Pervert is at the gym to check out prospective mates, while The Pervee wants nothing more than to be checked out: they will often be found walking back and forth in front of a row or treadmills, or aimlessly wandering through the weights section, picking things up, putting them down again, touching things...waiting, waiting, waiting for somebody to noticeeeee themmmmmmm.
Given their primary objective is not to exercise, both Perverts and Pervees will often not engage in any actual physical activity, unless it helps their cause in some way.
Perverts will often temporarily take on the role of The Pervee, displaying impressive feats of strength, fitness, balance, or coordination, to ensure they are noticed. Once their victim has been hooked, they offer to share their techniques. A man at my gym is notorious for this: he does slightly unusual, borderline impressive exercises (with maximum attention-seeking noise) until he catches a young woman's gaze on him. He then offers to teach her. This allows an 'up close and personal' session - one where he encourages her to bend just so as he looks over her, surveying every angle and critiquing her form (while mentally critiquing her bra size). She politely thanks him, leaves, and he finds someone else to 'coach'.
[It's probably worth noting that when young men inquire about his workout, he is not at all interested in assisting: "Get a personal trainer, man. I'm not doing this for free."]
Pervees are also prone to using their workouts as a luring tool. They have a tendency to visit the gym purely to do exercises they could've done in their own homes. One girl at my gym walks in, places a yoga mat in a conspicuous place, and proceeds to twist and bend herself into a variety of compromising positions. Many of these involve her butt being elevated and directed at boys. Once she's got her fix, she leaves, never touching a single piece of equipment.
There are no gender rules with Perverts/Pervees: men and women are equally guilty of strutting, flexing, spying, giggling, smirking, bending, twisting, posing, and raising their eyebrows just so.
Provided BOTH types are present in a gym environment, harmonium is achieved. The Pervert perves and The Pervee is perved upon. Both are happy. Both have fulfilled their mission.
However, when just one is left without an outlet, innocent bystanders are drawn in to the madness: you will find yourself either being sensually (creepily) winked at as you try to complete your set, or else you will be distracted while running on the treadmill, as a Pervee struts back and forth in front of you, shakin' their thang and desperate for someone to look at them. OH DEAR GOD, PLEASE JUST NOTICE MEEEEE.
#6: 'The Eating Disordered, Drug-Fucked Bodybuilder'
This is way less of a joke than you might think. It hurts me to say that.
This probably affects gym staff more than attendees. I worked at a gym for 3 years, and my relationship with the competitive bodybuilders was a tumultuous rollercoaster of emotion and heartache.
While they were 'bulking' they were outgoing, friendly and chatty. They were generally pretty cool dudes who perhaps had a wee bit too much spare time/a slight inclination toward masochism. But.. like...I'm not one to talk on that front. So let's just say yeah, they were generally pretty okay guys.
However, once they began 'cutting' - and their food consumption mimicked that of an infant - they turned nasty. They would throw tantrums, they were irritable. I worked quite a few long, all-day shifts, so I'd often be heating up my meals at the gym. The smell of foods - banned foods - was enough to send them into fits of rage.
They were hugely irrational and frantic, and it was sometimes pretty scary to watch them scream at an old lady because she wasn't using the water fountain quickly enough.
In part, their behaviour can be attributed to their plummeting food consumption and its effects on their mental and physical wellbeing. But I also heard many [almost definitely true] rumours of drug (steroids and amphetamines mostly) abuse. Moodiness + hunger + a barely functioning brain + drugs does not a happy combo make.
Once they were done with their competition, the spray tan wore off and we were left with just memories of the terrifying psychos they had become. They returned to their normal, relatively emotionally stable selves. Some of them even apologised for the way they'd acted.
And so there were a few months of calm, before the next round of dieting began...
[I wrote an essay about the dieting practices of competitive bodybuilders for an anthropology class in university. I will hopefully dig it up and post it in the not hugely distant future. It FASCINATES (/repulses) me]
The Territorial is not necessarily the same as a hog. They don't necessarily have a monopoly on all gym equipment or feel like it's necessary to have
every medicine ball in their possession, assembled around them like some kind of weirdass ancient runes/Stonge Henge creation.
Hog behaviour isn't really
creepy. It's just selfish and annoying.
The Territorial, however,
is creepy. They form strange attachments to particular items. Items that are property of the gym and available for anyone to use. The Territorial does not think in these fair and egalitarian terms.
Oh no. That treadmill is
theirs, that particular purple yoga mat belongs to
them.
I notice this
particularly when attending group fitness classes: they have formed some kind of weird, sweaty bond to a particular spin bike... it's not just a preference. They will leave the class if you refuse to give it up so they can use it (this has seriously happened to me. I thought I was gonna get punched out. Spin class warfare is a dangerous thing). In yoga, some attendees get
really really mad if their particular patch of carpet (not a metaphor) is taken.
But it is important that you DON'T GIVE IN TO THIS KIND OF IRRATIONAL, CRAZY-PERSON BEHAVIOUR. I firmly believe that the gym is a microcosm of the wider world: if you let people behave in a scary, possessive, territorial manner in the gym, it's only a matter of time until they've decided that THAT TREE IN THE PARK IS THEIRS. And then they sniper-rifle your kid down as they try to climb it. Don't let that happen. Stand up to gym creeps. For little Billy's sake.
And so concludes today's lesson. I hope you've all learnt something. Such as "wow, I am actually a massive weirdo" or "wow, I should join a gym... there is endless entertainment there!" Either outcome is one I can take pride in.
