Monday, October 15, 2012

Great expectations: the rental property edition.

The feedback I expect after a rent inspection:

'Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for allowing my visit this morning. I don't say this often, but visiting your property was truly a pleasure.

In my line of work, I see many houses every day, but rarely do I come across a true home. The exquisite and uplifting - yet still comforting and warm - atmosphere you have created from meagre beginnings is inspirational. Many times during my visit today, I found myself frozen, staring at the surroundings, mouth agape, unsure of how much time had passed.

Your keen eye for design is evident in even the smallest touches. Your ability to balance contemporary, thought-provoking - and, yes, at times shocking -  elements with a deep respect for the grace of classic interior design is really something.

I also find your profound understanding of the perfection of imperfection admirable and enlightening: a rug slightly askew, a way the sunlight catches a thin layer of dust upon a picture frame. These things matter to every real estate agent. I thank you for sharing them with me.

Finally, I want to touch on the remarkable time and effort you clearly invested in the lead-up to my visit. While your extensive and thorough scrubbing, polishing, vacuuming, and deodorising seems somewhat secondary to your natural aptitude - no, talent - in the medium of 'apartment', I must comment: one would think that anybody can clean and tidy a house, but what you have achieved has changed my feelings about this. I never imagined I would describe someone as a 'visionary' for their use of a mop and oven cleaner, but in your case, Elizabeth, I'll make an exception. Nothing else seems apt.
(on a related note, do you work out? The shine on that bathroom mirror suggested some serious strength and cardiovascular endurance.)

Once more, thank you for providing me with such a memorable experience. To repay you, you will live rent-free for the duration of your tenancy. You will also be paid a modest - though sufficient - allowance, to ensure your career does not interfere with your artistic pursuits. This agent owes it to you. Society owes it to you.

Sincerely and humbly,
XXX'

The feedback I actually receive after a rent inspection:
'Fire alarm needs new batarry [sic]. Thx.' 

3 comments:

  1. I love this post. I usually get "Fantastic Gary, well maintained property". Wouldn't be nice if once every couple of years we received the sort of feedback you wrote. Even if it was a template reply I'd be happy with it.

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  2. BAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

    I shall carry this forth into my day, and show everyone I know. because we are having real estate dramas as always. And we will feel better

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