Why Red Rooster is Probably a Front for a Drug Cartel

... or: "That time I got sued for defamation".

... or, preferably: "That time I received an international award commending my bravery for outing a dangerous underground network".

... or, even more preferably: "That time Red Rooster gave me lots of their [improved] menu items to thank me for showing them the light about how the public perceives their business and how they can better themselves".

Our suspect:

Red Rooster. An Australian fast food chain, started in 1972. Over 360 stores in Australia. Name suggests a bias toward male virility. 'Cock'-based jokes welcome. 'It's gotta be red' makes no sense. Most likely some sort of code.

My Suspicions:  

• I have never known anybody to regularly eat at Red Rooster (unlike, say, McDonalds, KFC, Hungry Jacks, etc).
• During high school, my friends and I had jobs at other (see above) fast food establishments, but NOBODY worked at Red Rooster, nor did they ever seem to advertise for junior staff.
• Every store I've ever walked past has been empty, or close to empty.
• Despite this apparent lack of business, Red Rooster does not seem to be struggling financially, managing to retain a widespread, national presence.
• Everybody I asked said the food is 'okay'. It is not bad - but it is so, so unexciting and average that you can never imagine craving an item from their menu (unlike my quarterly 'oh-my-god-I-need-a-Happy-Meal-now!' cravings).
• Their menu appears to have had minimal changes/upgrades since their 1972 opening. While this really quite charming (I like the fact that they sell assorted roast vegetables and fried pineapple rings and potato salad in addition to fried chicken), they do not executive these items well enough to justify how outdated, giving a feeling of laziness to the menu design.
  (I should be fair and point out there have been SOME changes to their food - they've jumped on the wrap and salad bandwagons and promote some 'healthier' options, but these items have an overwhelming 'afterthought' feel about them)
• The above two points give the overall impression that the food is secondary to.... something.
• Something nearly always = secret drug cartel.
• Ergo, Red Rooster is a front for a secret underground drug cartel.
• Everybody I have mentioned this theory to has exclaimed 'OH MY GOD! YES!' and admitted to feeling similarly about the chain. So I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who feels this way.
• I Googled 'Red Rooster' (no one can accuse me of not doing my research - NO SIREE!) and came across this. Hmmm.

The Undercover Investigation:

I had no memory of ever eating at Red Rooster (see point 1), and so had no experience with their food. I decided to pay them a visit one lunch time, accompanied by two coworkers, to sample their menu, meet their staff, and see if they had any other customers (and whether they used special code words to make 'special orders').

Do I have what it takes to manage a drug ring??? No. To be honest, I probably don't.

Observations:

• Empty. A pair of truck drivers and a mysterious looking man wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses (despite the pouring rain... and which he never took off) entered while I was eating, ordered takeaway, and quickly left.
• Weird, doctor's-office-eque paintings on the walls. Faded, rural, colonial [tacky as all hell] scenes. To create a false sense of homeliness, maybe? (you know what, Red Rooster? In my home, we have a little thing called HEATING. Jesus.)
  
  

 

• FREEZING. Do drug labs need to be particularly cold? Maybe. I don't know. I've never owned or operated a drug lab, but it seems plausible.
• One staff member at front of shop taking orders; 10+ staff out the back, apparently preparing food for the non-existent customers.

 I tried to get a shot of the 8746846 people in the kitchen... failed. You'll have to take my word for it.

 

• Oddly old serving staff member: no pimply teenagers here! She looked to be in her 30s, seemed distracted, erratic, and was completely uninterested in my query about what her favourite sauce is to eat with 'Spicy Bites'.
• SO MANY SECURITY CAMERAS. Plus this weird dome thing on the ceiling. Recording device? Loudspeaker? 

• Food was, as I'd been told to expect, 'fine'. Nothing I would go out of my way to eat again, but if I was on a roadtrip across the country and hungry, I would probably choose to put some of their food in my mouth over dying from starvation.

Conclusions:

• Red Rooster is either a drug cartel or a not-very-good fast food chain.
• If the latter, they somehow manage to stay in business, so regardless we have a mystery on our hands.
• Large hanging orbs and security devices at every turn do not an inviting establishment make.
• Nor does an arctic temperature.
• Staff members who don't enjoy discussing condiments or appreciate my quaint cock-related humour are big fat downers and do not belong in customer service!
• I have a degree in fine art... RED ROOSTER, CALL ME! I can help you choose jazzier artwork for your walls.
• If I do get sued, I hope you all will chip in to bail me out.
• ... please don't sue me.
• ... do, however, feel free to hire me as your marketing guru, who will convert your image from 'suspicious' to 'delicious'. 
• Do you see what I did there??? I used my marketing genius to make a rhyme that is both catchy AND patchy!
• I'll stop now.

I hope you all enjoyed today's educational guide/ my latest conspiracy theory. I welcome your own tales of suspicious establishments...chicken-based menu optional.