Career aspirations.

There are few times of year that bring out 'what the fuck am I doing with my life?' feelings quite like New Year's Eve/Day. Even though I love my job, I sometimes get scared of being too complacent... so I start questioning whether I'm doing the right thing/what the alternatives might be, in case I find myself desperate for a change and/or get fired for inappropriate conduct.

I hope that by identifying my true talents and passions, I'll be setting myself up for a prosperous and happy future. So far, this is my list....

The Person Who Names Muppets

This probably doesn't have to be exclusively Muppets, but I think it might be a good avenue for my talents, given the recent film revival. I love naming stuff. My first cat was named Polyester. I also had pet mice named Frances and Gloria. And a kitten named Sylvia and a dog named Darcy. My two cats (who now sadly are a bajillion miles away living with my parents) are Alfie and Jeffrey. My next kitten (hopefully SOOOON) will be called either Lottie, Clover or Tinsel. I have dolls called Henrietta, Louisa, and Gretel. My first car was a Volvo named Sven. My current car is Gertie. My computer is Tallulah. My boobs are named Mary-Kate and Ashley. I hope to one day have a son named Stilton, and another child named Mizuno (gender irrelevant).

Words With Friends Loser For Hire

Feeling flat? Low? Like you're a good-for-nothing underachiever? Unsure of your strategic and reasoning skills? Your vocabulary? Why not play a game of Words With Friends against Lizzi for a small fee?!! Victory is guaranteed! You'll be feeling better about yourself in no time! 

(while I sit in the corner of my apartment, shaking and rocking and quietly crying to myself while clutching my degree in English and wondering what the fuck went wrong...)

Professional Eating Contest Competitor

I can out-eat all my friends and family. Not that I always DO (believe it or not, I am not a complete spanner and do realise that it's probably not particularly good for me), but the fact that I CAN is admirable. It's not as though I don't feel full or want to stop eating: it's just that I'm able to push past this point and keep going. This skill is fairly useless in my day-to-day life (except when I have a lot of food in my fridge that I'm worried will go off and don't want to waste), but I feel that if I entered the professional circuit, I could make some serious moolah.
(and/or die)

Magazine Advice Columnist

Note: I would NOT be a great in-real-life advice-giver. I do not have the patience to argue with people when they disagreed with my guidance. But in print? They can't fight back! Plus everything sounds much more authorative that way.... no one takes a word I say seriously when I speak in my whiney little girl voice, which is upsettingly Bindi Irwin-esque.

For the record, my advice would probably always be one of the following: 'harden up', 'stop being a dick', 'grow up' or 'get over it'. These four approaches will solve most of the world's problems, I think.

Crying Body Double

I imagine it must be quite difficult and exhausting for actors to sustain fake crying through hours of takes, so I figure there's probably a market here. Once I get crying, I cannot stop. And just about anything sets me off.....Video Killed The Radio Star and the Fireman Sam theme song make me tear up. The thought of homeless puppies and kittens turns me into a blubbering, wailing wreck. Don't even ask what I'm like during a break up. It's frightening. Given my talent for tears, I keep spoons in my freezer at all time, which I smush into my eyelids, because otherwise they're so puffed up and swollen that they impede my vision and I should not legally be allowed to drive.

Gym/Fitness Class Playlist Creator

Have you ever been to a gym? If so, you will probably be familiar with the bullshit they play. It is either a) terrible musically/lyrically, or b) uninspiring. Usually, it is a combination of a) and b). But it doesn't have to be this way! With better music, a visit to the gym would be a pleasure, not a chore! The world would be fit and healthy! The obesity epidemic would be cured! Diabetes and heart disease rates would plummet! And I believe that I'm the person to bring this revolution to the world. I am frighteningly good at choosing workout music. Sometimes I just run my own, one-woman spin classes at the gym... people occasionally come in wondering what's going on and commenting that they wish it was a REAL class. My unique mix of gangsta rap, Britney Spears, Tracy Chapman and the soundtrack from Cabaret makes for a killer sweat-session, let me tell you. I'll probably actually do a full post one day on my workout playlists, with handy-dandy suggestions of what to do while you listen to the best combination of songs your little ears have ever heard. Stay tuned!

Newborn Baby Butt-Slapper

I don't know if this is just a myth or something I saw on TV... but if doctors/nurses really DO smack the bums of newborns, then this is my calling. I LOVE spanking people. I have a hard time giving my loved ones a hug without a little sneaky butt-grab/slap. If I see somebody I know in the supermarket or at the petrol station, I sneak up on them and give them a good friendly wallop. They appreciate it... I think.

Telephone Sex Operator

I'd be terrible at this by "conventional standards", but I think I'd make up for it in creativity. My sexy spiels would be delivered primarily in rhyme. Poetry is romantic, which would add an extra element for the discerning gentleman who desires more than simply cheap, smutty trash. I'm certain of my success, with sexy little sweet nothings like "I want to feel your pulsing member/Erupt like blossoms in September/Your monstrous manhood makes me quiver/Call me 'Mistress Spunkrat' and I'll deliver."

Alternatively, I could be a career counsellor! Seeing as I clearly have such insight into the working world.

Bonus!!! because I hate posts without pictures because my attention span is TEENY TINYYYYY... here is a photo of me at my ACTUAL job... Yes, I always look this frightened/as though Ryan Gosling just took his pants off in front of me. Also, please note my rainbow slinky in the background.... yep, I love my job.

Oh, and my little workplace buddy...

CHARIZARD SAYS BYE CUTIEPIES.

ps. I finally jumped on board and got a Twitter account - @lizzingbeth. I have no idea if I'll really use it, but whatev. It's there as another stalking medium :)