lists, chocolate, and disturbing delivery room scenes. you're welcome.

HI EVERYBODY.

This post is brought to you from THE GREATEST LONG WEEKEND EVER. Easter and ANZAC Day have this year fallen at the same time: they have merged into one huge, pulsing, throbbing mutant, Frankensteinian 5 day holiday. Because I am very smart, I took Thursday off work, bringing the weekend up to a whopping 6 days of nothingness. It is a beautiful thing.

With this extra time on my hands, I thought blogging would be a good idea. But then I remembered I don't really have anything to say. But seeing as that rarely stops me, I will tell you a few random and not-very-interesting things...

NUMBER ONE!
I finally got around to updating my links (partially... there are lots more to be added but I am lazy). They contain a random assortment of sites I visit often. They tend to revolve around cooking, eating out, fitness, running, absurdist humour, celebrity gossip, and places from which I make impulsive online purchases. AKA a pretty accurate representation of my life.
One day I will get around to categorising them, but for now, just click them for an exciting lucky dip of internet wonder!!!

NUMBER TWO!
I have spent a few days with my nephews and being around small, adorable children sets off all kinds of weird hormonal signals in my body. I can practically feel my uterus lining itself. I NEED TO PROCREATE.

NUMBER THREE!
My parents are wonderful because (among other reasons) they knew I was visiting so stocked up on broccoli, brussels sprouts, and peanut butter. Aww. They really DO love me!

NUMBER FOUR!
I fell over in some stinging nettle and now my legs are covered in sores and scabs. They're swollen and red and puffy. And itchy. I look like I have some horrible skin disease, on top of already grossly misshapen, sausage-like legs. This is doubly sad as I have always considered my legs my best (physical) asset. Without them, I am nothing. WHY GOD?! WHY??! WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE JUST BEEN MY FACE!?!?!?

NUMBER FIVE!
Tomorrow is Easter Sunday which means that - after tomorrow - all the associated merchandise is on SALE! It is my yearly tradition to almost send myself into debt/diabetes buying discounted chocolate. I cannot wait.

NUMBER SIX!
I am going to Melbourne with work next week and I cannot wait. If anyone wants to hang with some totally creepy girl from the internet for dinner on Monday/breakfast or lunch on Tuesday, let me know! I promise I won't rape you, hack your body to pieces, and dump your remains in an alleyway :)

NUMBER SEVEN!
Just to prove how normal and well-balanced I am, I drew you all a pretty picture to celebrate this very special, sacred seasonal occasional!

 
I want you to remember this while you're chowing down on your Easter goodies Please take a moment to think of what the Easter Bunny has sacrificed so that you can spend the day in a sugar-soma. Thank you.

HAPPY EASTERRRRR!

I may never be an athlete, but my facial expressions surely qualify for the Special Olympics.

So despite my crippling anxieties and moments of self-doubt, I did complete the Canberra Half Marathon on Sunday. AND I survived, which at times felt unlikely.

The preparatory things on my lists almost all amounted to nothing: my mum was sick and unable to come to Canberra for the race (thus I did not have her to cuddle me at the end or buy me ice cream), I did not go to yoga the day before, I did not visit the old-fashioned candy store, I did not go to bed by 10pm.

Instead, I slept in and slothed around all day Saturday. That night, I stayed up til 3am, eating nachos, poptarts, leftover KFC (you'll be pleased to know I did complete that item from my list), and an entire pack of Tim Tams.  Because, you know, binging on junk food (all of which typically upsets your tummy at the best of times) is ALWAYS a smart thing to do the night before an athletic event. You heard it here first.

2.5 hours later, it was Sunday morning. I snoozed my alarm approximately 13 times, didn't eat breakfast, sped to the race, getting dressed in the car.

It poured with rain, my pretty shoes got soaked. Sopping wet socks led to enormous, juicy, soggy, waterlogged blisters.

The slight cold I'd been feeling brewing for a few days finally reared its ugly head. My chest ached and my lungs burned and my entire body felt like it was made of lead. I wheezed and coughed and spluttered the whole way. Every step felt like I was dragging myself out of quicksand.

Nonetheless, I kept going, with teeth gritted. For much of the race I ran with my eyes closed, occasionally bursting out a lyric from whatever song was on my iPod........"REAL SLIM SHADY YEAH I'M THE REAL SHADY".........."GONNA BRING YOU TO YOUR SHA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-KNEES! KNEES!".............."HOMEGIRL TAKE YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SHIRT OFF!"... etc.

But whatever, I finished. It sucked and hurt and some REALLY FRIGGING CREEPY MAN WHO'D POOPED HIS PANTS AT KILOMETRE #6 DECIDED TO BEFRIEND ME, but I finished nonethless. Way slower than I wanted (1:53... I wanted sub 1:45), but all things considered, I'll take it.

Now, I felt bad after my last entry because there were no pretty pictures. And if you guys have an attention span like mine, you require pretty pictures.

Sadly, I do not have any "PRETTY PICTURES" to share with you. Instead, I bring you...

HALF MARATHON PICTURES. Or: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH LIZZI'S FACE. OH SWEET JESUS.

 This is my 'GET BACK MOTHERFUCKER, YOU DON'T KNOW ME LIKE THAT!' face. Even the man behind me is like '....oh...my.....lordddd...'
[for the record he is not the one who crapped himself]

Let's take a closer look:

Yep. I second your sentiments, alarmed running fellow. Oh. My. Lord. Fierce.

Next, we have this little gem...

This is my 'Singing along to Whitney Houston while engaging in slightly painful sex' face.

Oooh baby.

Next we have my 'Auditioning for the Wicked Witch of the West in the scene where "I'M MEEELLLTTTINGGGGGgg"' face.

On closer inspection, you will notice the streaks of mascara down my cheeks...

Now, before ya'll get all up in my grill about what a dumbass I am, allow me to clarify: I am not vain or stupid. I did not decide that wearing makeup was a good idea when running 21kms in the rain. No, I did not do that. Instead, I am forced to admit that I am a grub who struggles with basic hygiene practices and this is, in fact, the remnants of my mascara from the day before. I'm glad we cleared that up.

The one last photo I have isn't soooo bad, despite the weird vagina/buttcheek/i-don't-even-know I seem to have grown in my inner left thigh...

This is the picture I will show my grandchildren. Because, for one brief moment - despite my thighgina - I appear to be winning.

And, on days like Sunday, appearances sometimes count more than the real thing.

run little bunny.

Warning: long, self-indulgent entry ahead. Many lists. Much thinking out loud. Beware.

 I’m running the Canberra Half Marathon on Sunday and for some reason this is making me want to pee myself with fear. Sometimes the best way to cope with your fears is to sit down and tease out all the things that are scaring you. By identifying them, I’m hoping I can overcome them.

So, here is my train of thought, AKA why I am afraid...

1.    I have run a full marathon before, for which I had very low expectations (ie. finish it alive). I fulfilled this, and instantly began to feel that I could do better.
2.    A half marathon is half a marathon (I know this because I'm very clever and have a university degree) and therefore I should be able to do it TWICE AS WELL.
3.    But really, given it’s a shorter distance and I won’t need to hold back/conserve so much energy, I should be able to do it MORE THAN TWICE AS WELL.
4.    At this point, my brain goes like this: &*!%^%!$6tgeygsy5r%ER%&26823t56r~!~@!6t6 and spazzes out and gets confused and my mathematical abilities fail me. Thus, my calculations begin to suggest I should be able to complete it ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTEEN TIMES BETTER than I did the full marathon.
5.    I realise this is not likely.
6.    I feel sad and inadequate.
7.    I worry that I will disappoint myself, my friends, my family, my boyfriend, the internet, my coworkers, the prime minister, my dog, and Hugh Grant’s mother.
8.    This will make me feel embarrassed and ashamed. I do not deal well with either of these feelings.
9.    The fear of being a disappointment/embarrassed/ashamed makes me afraid of even attempting it and means I want to curl up into a ball and not even try.

I’m not even going to bother commenting on how stupid this is because you’re all smart cookies and can figure it out. SUFFICE TO SAY: this is a lame outlook to have so I am making an effort to change my mindset by making this whole experience FUN AND EXCITING instead of STRESSFUL AND DAUNTING.

So, here are my stupid methods of preparation in the lead-up to Sunday’s race…

1.    This week of tapering is a chance for a much-needed rest from physical activity. This week, I am a sloth. While this kinda drives me crazy, it’s also such a deliciously self-indulgent feeling. Not rushing too/from training means I have more time for myself, and so I’m enjoying putting some degree of effort into my appearance. Today, I wore earrings. Tomorrow, I may even have painted fingernails.
2.    I’m getting a massage on Friday morning from the beautiful Amber. She is the best and I have truly never been happier to have somebody squeeze and knead my butt. I’m even going to shave my legs for her because I know she’s a hairphobe. DON’T SAY I DON’T DO ANYTHING NICE FOR PEOPLE.
3.    Friday night I’m getting my hair cut! This is so overdue. I’m making the most of this tapering period (AKA HOLY-SHIT-I-AM-SO-BORED-WTF-DO-OTHER-PEOPLE-DO-WHEN-THEY’RE-NOT-TRAINING!??!) by doing all the stuff I’ve been putting off. Plus maybe a few less ounces of hair will make me go faster!
4.    After my haircut, I’m hitting up the KFC drive-thru. Angus made the mistake of once telling me that Usain Bolt basically lives on KFC so I’ve used that knowledge to justify my love of The Colonel and everything he stands for :)
5.    Saturday morning I am going to yoga with some of my favourite people in the world. After the class we all sit around and drink coffee in the foyer and talk a whole bunch of nonsense, while luxuriating in the gloriousness of our stretched and refreshed muscles.
6.    After yoga I’m going to pick up my race pack and try to score as much free stuff from the expo as possible. I’m the queen of freebies and am certain I’ll be able to nab some awesome goodies.
7.    Then I’m off to an old-fashioned/import candy store to load up on all my faves so I can stuff myself up to my eyeballs with sugar :D OVERSEAS READERS – who wants to do a candy/chocolate/snack foods swap?!?! I will seriously make you the best care packages of goodies ever.
8.    Depending on how I’m feeling – possibly a light crosstrainer session/treadmill jog at the gym. I always run best when I’m well-rested but not TOTALLY rested. Plus a few endorphins always helps calm my nerves/reassures me that I haven’t forgotten how to move more than the distance from the couch to the fridge.
9.    I’m spending the afternoon making myself the most DELICIOUS DINNER EVER (currently undecided but most like lasagne or pizza because they’re my faves. Carbs + cheese = really all I need in life to be happy) and reading blog entries about other people’s races because for some reason I find that really comforting/reassuring/inspiring.
10.    The night will be spent on the couch, painting my toenails (red – everyone knows it makes you go faster), watching TV and eating bucketloads of ice cream with every topping imaginable.
11.    By 10pm, I will be snug in my PJs and tucked into bed! Okay this is not anything new because I am a granny but I like reminding myself anyway.
12.    Sunday morning I am going to make myself a delicious breakfast, listen to some amazing music while I get ready, go to the race and warm up while hanging out with some of the coolest people I know (big shout-outs to my totally hardcore running buddies + ESPECIALLY BOMBALA-HANNAH’S DAD…I'm gonna be totally creepy and stalkery and pace myself against you!  And I can’t wait to get our picture taken together!!!!!!!!!!! Hahaha)

I’m also compiling a list of things to things to remember while I’m running. My biggest problem is that I just mentally give up and simply can’t be bothered trying anymore. This is always really upsetting for me – I hate the feeling of knowing  could’ve tried harder. But when I know I’ve given it my all, I’m able to accept my abilities and feel proud of my achievements and look to the future with HOPE AND OPTIMISM!

So, here are the things that will motivate me to keep pushing when I really (REALLY) don’t want to…

1.    Remember: it’s MEANT to hurt. This is a RACE. NOW is the time to push your limits and give it your all.
2.    The faster you go, the sooner it’s over! (and then you get to go out for ice cream!) By 9am, you’ll be done, so get it over with and you can spend the whole rest of the day watching DVDs on the couch and making your boyfriend rub your icecream-bloated belly.
3.    21.1km means it ends with 100 metres. This was always “YOUR DISTANCE” (ie. you kicked butt at it), so smash it! Even if you slooowly plod your way through the other 21kms, absolutely give that last 100m your all so you can finish the race looking and feeling like a champion.
4.    You have the most badass shoes on the planet. They are superhero shoes. You look like The Flash. Nothing can stop you in these shoes.
5.    Your playlist is an incredible magical rollercoaster of wonder. Each of these songs has been carefully selected for its awesome beat… MATCH THAT BEAT TO CREATE THE MAXIMUM MUSICAL EXTRAVAGANZA!
6.    Showing off feels awesome. Do your best so you can spend the next 19 months bragging about how fantastic you did.
7.    You have a really cute little running outfit picked out. The more people you pass, the more people get to see you prancing around looking adorable!
8.    Your calves are monstrous wildebeests. Your quads are gargantuan wooly (more true than I care to admit) mammoths. Your hamstrings are enormous, fierce, pulsing, crushing demons. You are a finely-tuned, highly-trained MONSTER. If nothing else, enjoy the opportunity to show off those legs and psych out the competition. They’ll take one look at them and cower in terror.
9.    The weather is going to be AMAZING... perfect sunny Canberra autumn. You have great people around you. You have a cute new haircut and an even cuter outfit. Your mum - AKA your best friend in the world - is waiting at the finish line and will love you and think you're the bomb no matter how terribly you do....and then she'll take you out for ice cream :) You might not have many toenails left these days but the ones you do have are painted the best ever shade of red. You've got hours of incredible music to listen to. Your new shoes are BEAUTIFUL. Your pockets are stuffed full of candy. In short: this has the potential to be the BEST DAY EVER so enjoy every second.

Okay. Whew. I don’t know if it’s the words or just the simple fact that I included THREE numbered lists (I LOVE LISTS SO MUCH!) in this entry, but now I am feeling excited and happy. Wish me (and my new shoesies! This is their public debut!) luck internet-friends!