Doom, gloom, and terrible television choices.

Well HELLO. I have resurfaced from the depths of the internet, after an unintentional absence.

I have been absent because I have been sad. I have been sad because my boyfriend is no longer my boyfriend. No going into details here, cos that would be seriously LAMEEEEeee of me. Besides, not-boyfriend is still my best friend in the universe, and best-friends-in-the-universe don’t talk shit about best-friends-in-the-universe (especially not on the internet, which is NOBODY’s best friend).

But I will say that I have been a wreck. And continue, on and off, to be a wreck. BUT THAT’S OKAY because it is an appropriate time to be sad. Unlike, for instance, when I burst into tears during the Fireman Sam theme song because SOMETHING in that chord change just gets me RIGHT HERE. …..I'm thumping the heart-dwelling region of my chest right now, by the way. In case you didn’t realise.

So I’m sad. I’m sad and I’m lonely and I’m figuring out how to be okay with this. I am possibly suffering from some kind of multiple personality disorder, and my mood goes up and down like you would not believe. But I have convinced myself that I am grieving, and that these erratic mood swings are all a part of the grieving process.

In fact, it’s remarkable how fully I have travelled through the five stages of grief…

1. Denial: … of personal space. My friends have been very good to me and my demands for CONSTANT ATTENTION. If left alone, I have time to think. If I have time to think, I get sad…then my entire head starts leaking an array of fluids. So it’s best to keep busy. Dinner dates, movie dates, lunch dates, coffee dates, gym dates, shopping dates, breakfast dates, watching-Sabrina-the-Teenage-Witch dates…. I have forced myself upon almost everyone I know.

2. Anger: At anyone who looks remotely happy. This includes babies, fictional characters, and people attempting to sell me acne products on TV. Fuck you, Katy Perry! I hope your pores get blocked with cement and Russell dumps you because you now resemble a hideous, terrifying gargoyle!

3. Bargaining: By which I mean “bargain hunting”. Or, sometimes, “ignoring the bargains and buying the most expensive and ridiculous shit that will temporarily make me happy”. I have spent an awful lot of money in the last month. I thought I would be an emotional eater or drinker… but nope. I am an emotional shopper. In my sadness, I have taken to buying things to fill the void in my life. I haven’t gone quite so far as to arrange my new skirts, shoes, dresses, shirts, scarves, pink-and-white-striped-playsuits (I don’t know why. I really don’t know) and $200 mustard coloured shorts into the shape of a man for me to cuddle and spoon and take on dates to the movies, but it could happen soon.

<PHOTO INTERLUDE!!!!!>

PLAYSUIT!!!

 

 

OVERPRICED SHORTS (+ adorable nephew)

</PHOTO INTERLUDE!!!!>

 

4. Depression: Depression at the [possibly imaginary] three-years-in-the-making boyfriend-shaped depression on the right-hand side of my bed. When I construct my new boyfriend-made-of-clothes, I will place him here. And we will snuggle.

5. Acceptance: That I will die alone, alone, forever alone. Alone alone and sad. Sad and alone and dead and alone. And sad! So, so sad. And alone.

… I will also die melodramatic.

Now that I've got that out of my system, I will hopefully return more regularly to enrich your lives with my profound observations, witty commentary and off-beat good looks.

....yeaaaah!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some Sabrina the Teenage Witch to watch.