run little bunny.

Warning: long, self-indulgent entry ahead. Many lists. Much thinking out loud. Beware.

 I’m running the Canberra Half Marathon on Sunday and for some reason this is making me want to pee myself with fear. Sometimes the best way to cope with your fears is to sit down and tease out all the things that are scaring you. By identifying them, I’m hoping I can overcome them.

So, here is my train of thought, AKA why I am afraid...

1.    I have run a full marathon before, for which I had very low expectations (ie. finish it alive). I fulfilled this, and instantly began to feel that I could do better.
2.    A half marathon is half a marathon (I know this because I'm very clever and have a university degree) and therefore I should be able to do it TWICE AS WELL.
3.    But really, given it’s a shorter distance and I won’t need to hold back/conserve so much energy, I should be able to do it MORE THAN TWICE AS WELL.
4.    At this point, my brain goes like this: &*!%^%!$6tgeygsy5r%ER%&26823t56r~!~@!6t6 and spazzes out and gets confused and my mathematical abilities fail me. Thus, my calculations begin to suggest I should be able to complete it ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTEEN TIMES BETTER than I did the full marathon.
5.    I realise this is not likely.
6.    I feel sad and inadequate.
7.    I worry that I will disappoint myself, my friends, my family, my boyfriend, the internet, my coworkers, the prime minister, my dog, and Hugh Grant’s mother.
8.    This will make me feel embarrassed and ashamed. I do not deal well with either of these feelings.
9.    The fear of being a disappointment/embarrassed/ashamed makes me afraid of even attempting it and means I want to curl up into a ball and not even try.

I’m not even going to bother commenting on how stupid this is because you’re all smart cookies and can figure it out. SUFFICE TO SAY: this is a lame outlook to have so I am making an effort to change my mindset by making this whole experience FUN AND EXCITING instead of STRESSFUL AND DAUNTING.

So, here are my stupid methods of preparation in the lead-up to Sunday’s race…

1.    This week of tapering is a chance for a much-needed rest from physical activity. This week, I am a sloth. While this kinda drives me crazy, it’s also such a deliciously self-indulgent feeling. Not rushing too/from training means I have more time for myself, and so I’m enjoying putting some degree of effort into my appearance. Today, I wore earrings. Tomorrow, I may even have painted fingernails.
2.    I’m getting a massage on Friday morning from the beautiful Amber. She is the best and I have truly never been happier to have somebody squeeze and knead my butt. I’m even going to shave my legs for her because I know she’s a hairphobe. DON’T SAY I DON’T DO ANYTHING NICE FOR PEOPLE.
3.    Friday night I’m getting my hair cut! This is so overdue. I’m making the most of this tapering period (AKA HOLY-SHIT-I-AM-SO-BORED-WTF-DO-OTHER-PEOPLE-DO-WHEN-THEY’RE-NOT-TRAINING!??!) by doing all the stuff I’ve been putting off. Plus maybe a few less ounces of hair will make me go faster!
4.    After my haircut, I’m hitting up the KFC drive-thru. Angus made the mistake of once telling me that Usain Bolt basically lives on KFC so I’ve used that knowledge to justify my love of The Colonel and everything he stands for :)
5.    Saturday morning I am going to yoga with some of my favourite people in the world. After the class we all sit around and drink coffee in the foyer and talk a whole bunch of nonsense, while luxuriating in the gloriousness of our stretched and refreshed muscles.
6.    After yoga I’m going to pick up my race pack and try to score as much free stuff from the expo as possible. I’m the queen of freebies and am certain I’ll be able to nab some awesome goodies.
7.    Then I’m off to an old-fashioned/import candy store to load up on all my faves so I can stuff myself up to my eyeballs with sugar :D OVERSEAS READERS – who wants to do a candy/chocolate/snack foods swap?!?! I will seriously make you the best care packages of goodies ever.
8.    Depending on how I’m feeling – possibly a light crosstrainer session/treadmill jog at the gym. I always run best when I’m well-rested but not TOTALLY rested. Plus a few endorphins always helps calm my nerves/reassures me that I haven’t forgotten how to move more than the distance from the couch to the fridge.
9.    I’m spending the afternoon making myself the most DELICIOUS DINNER EVER (currently undecided but most like lasagne or pizza because they’re my faves. Carbs + cheese = really all I need in life to be happy) and reading blog entries about other people’s races because for some reason I find that really comforting/reassuring/inspiring.
10.    The night will be spent on the couch, painting my toenails (red – everyone knows it makes you go faster), watching TV and eating bucketloads of ice cream with every topping imaginable.
11.    By 10pm, I will be snug in my PJs and tucked into bed! Okay this is not anything new because I am a granny but I like reminding myself anyway.
12.    Sunday morning I am going to make myself a delicious breakfast, listen to some amazing music while I get ready, go to the race and warm up while hanging out with some of the coolest people I know (big shout-outs to my totally hardcore running buddies + ESPECIALLY BOMBALA-HANNAH’S DAD…I'm gonna be totally creepy and stalkery and pace myself against you!  And I can’t wait to get our picture taken together!!!!!!!!!!! Hahaha)

I’m also compiling a list of things to things to remember while I’m running. My biggest problem is that I just mentally give up and simply can’t be bothered trying anymore. This is always really upsetting for me – I hate the feeling of knowing  could’ve tried harder. But when I know I’ve given it my all, I’m able to accept my abilities and feel proud of my achievements and look to the future with HOPE AND OPTIMISM!

So, here are the things that will motivate me to keep pushing when I really (REALLY) don’t want to…

1.    Remember: it’s MEANT to hurt. This is a RACE. NOW is the time to push your limits and give it your all.
2.    The faster you go, the sooner it’s over! (and then you get to go out for ice cream!) By 9am, you’ll be done, so get it over with and you can spend the whole rest of the day watching DVDs on the couch and making your boyfriend rub your icecream-bloated belly.
3.    21.1km means it ends with 100 metres. This was always “YOUR DISTANCE” (ie. you kicked butt at it), so smash it! Even if you slooowly plod your way through the other 21kms, absolutely give that last 100m your all so you can finish the race looking and feeling like a champion.
4.    You have the most badass shoes on the planet. They are superhero shoes. You look like The Flash. Nothing can stop you in these shoes.
5.    Your playlist is an incredible magical rollercoaster of wonder. Each of these songs has been carefully selected for its awesome beat… MATCH THAT BEAT TO CREATE THE MAXIMUM MUSICAL EXTRAVAGANZA!
6.    Showing off feels awesome. Do your best so you can spend the next 19 months bragging about how fantastic you did.
7.    You have a really cute little running outfit picked out. The more people you pass, the more people get to see you prancing around looking adorable!
8.    Your calves are monstrous wildebeests. Your quads are gargantuan wooly (more true than I care to admit) mammoths. Your hamstrings are enormous, fierce, pulsing, crushing demons. You are a finely-tuned, highly-trained MONSTER. If nothing else, enjoy the opportunity to show off those legs and psych out the competition. They’ll take one look at them and cower in terror.
9.    The weather is going to be AMAZING... perfect sunny Canberra autumn. You have great people around you. You have a cute new haircut and an even cuter outfit. Your mum - AKA your best friend in the world - is waiting at the finish line and will love you and think you're the bomb no matter how terribly you do....and then she'll take you out for ice cream :) You might not have many toenails left these days but the ones you do have are painted the best ever shade of red. You've got hours of incredible music to listen to. Your new shoes are BEAUTIFUL. Your pockets are stuffed full of candy. In short: this has the potential to be the BEST DAY EVER so enjoy every second.

Okay. Whew. I don’t know if it’s the words or just the simple fact that I included THREE numbered lists (I LOVE LISTS SO MUCH!) in this entry, but now I am feeling excited and happy. Wish me (and my new shoesies! This is their public debut!) luck internet-friends!