Your star-spangled banner is no match for my.......plate of cheese cubes.

I'm kinda late in posting this, but bear with me. I'm not willing to let an important seasonal/topical blog post go to waste just because I couldn't get my shit together in time to ensure it was actually seasonal/topical.

Wednesday was Australia Day, which I'm pretty sure has an inferiority complex and wants - so badly - to be the 4th of July. It's not - AT ALL - but it still has its charms.

 It's gorm-ay.

I had a great day celebrating in the most solemn and reverent manner; a manner that is steeped in tradition and intrinsically interwoven into the fabric of our culture.... I celebrated with a barbeque, scorchingly hot weather, beer, Triple J Hottest 100, a pool party and a hearty dose of sunburn. Oh, and a Irishman and a Swede.

 

An Australian flag worn as a cape...it was like our very own Cronulla riots!

I've never been very patriotic, and I'd love to pretend that I'm SIMPLY TOO COOL for any of that stuff. But there is a lot I love about Australia. There's so much incredible art and music and literature. There are amazing, inspirational public figures. There are stunning cities and beautiful towns and breathtaking natural landscapes.

I made him hold a beer for the purpose of this photo. It just ain't right otherwise.

But I got thinking, and realised that those probably aren't really my favourite things. And so I compiled my own list...

THE ABSOLUTE BEST THINGS TO COME OUT OF AUSTRALIA...

1. Australian money: for being brightly-coloured and distinctive. I hate travelling in countries where all the money looks the same. Ours has a built-in anti-generosity feature: it's near impossible to accidentally tip a shitty, sub-standard waitress 50 bucks.
2. Milo: Milo in milk. Milo on ice cream. Milo in yoghurt. Milo on bread. Milo made into 'mousse'. Milo on my breakfast cereal. Milo mixed into pancake batter. Milo and peanut butter sandwiches. Bananas rolled in Milo. It can do no wrong.

 I'm hard at work constructing a culinary masterpiece...

3. Bogans: for providing hours of entertainment and mockery in the form of Things Bogans Like, which fills me with joy and mirth and hopeless giggling. And, simultaneously, horrible, crushing shame. For while I would love to feel superior, I relate to The Bogan. Ohhhhh how I relate....
4. The Tim Tam Slam: for ensuring I always drink enough milk to fulfil my calcium requirements.

The finished product... An Australian Tasting Platter: macadamia nuts, musk sticks, Crunchie and Cherry Ripe bars, Fruit Tingles, Life Savers, Shapes biscuits... My childhood on a plate.

5. The Qantas ads featuring the song 'I Still Call Australia Home': they make me cry like a baby. Awwwww, landscapes I've never actually seen in person! Awww, ethnically diverse children!!
6. Cherry Ripes: for being delicious. And for allowing me continued free accommodation when visiting the U.K. (I bring Uncle suitcase full of Cherry Ripes; Uncle provides me with a place to stay. Symbiotic relationships at their finest)
7. Ninemsn: for their constant, unwavering journalistic integrity.

Akrubra hats are also probably worth a mention. But I'd prefer to fill this list with aesthetically pleasing things.

8. Fairy bread: for allowing over-processed, nutritionally-void white bread, butter, sugar, and artificial colours to be united in the most glorious form imaginable. No celebration is complete without.

Fairy bread. Also gorm-ay.

 

9. Nick Cave: because I used to fear death. Mostly because I hadn't found an appropriate soundtrack for my funeral. Then there was 'There She Goes, My Beautiful World', and it was decided. And now I can just happily squander away my remaining years until my absolutely bitchin' funeral.
10. Marsupials. What the fuck, God. What. The. Fuck. You rule. And 10(b) Wombats: I frikkin' LOVE wombats.

 Lamington tiramisu! A celebration of our migrant heritage and multicultural society. Also? Delicious. And I'm so excited you'd think I'd been the one who made it!!

11. Meat pies: I do not care what mystery meats encased within your pastry shell, for you are delicious. For me, they are best enjoyed by consuming in the following manner: Cut/prise lid off. Squeeze a liberal amount of ketchup into the interior. Mix around with a fork, until the filling becomes a tomato-y/mince-y mess. Eat this bastardised bologanese sauce with a fork. Eat lower pastry shell (which by this time will have reached the desired level of sogginess). Eat the lid, which will have retained a crisp, palate-cleansing texture.