2010 + 1 = not a particularly exciting occurrence.

HI EVERYBODY. In case you were unaware, it is New Year's Eve. It's also my mum's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM!!! I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE FIREWORKS, CHAMPAGNE, AND DRUNKEN RENDITIONS OF 'AULD LANG SYNE'.

Instead of doing awesome fun things involving some combination of the above, I am at home with some kind of Stomach Bug of Doom. It's not tooooo terrible, but I'm worried about making people sick, so have put myself into quarantine. Please think of me while you watch fireworks and kiss loved ones ... I'll be projectile-pooping my way into the new year. Aww.

And so, because I'm home alone, bored, hot, tired and stinky, I am going to update my blog with an exciting seasonal-and-pretty-much-mandatory 2010 recap post.

STUFF THAT HAPPENED IN 2010 (some good; some less gooderer)

... in no particular order because I'm lazy and also have trouble remembering simple things like what month Valentine's Day occurs in.

I quit the job I'd had for almost 3 years...

There comes a time in every young lady's life when she realises she no longer wants to work somewhere requiring a nametag.

... and got Big Proper Grown Up jobs.

The first one kinda sucked enormous hairy smelly balls, most of the time.

The current one sucks no balls. Yaaaaay!

I scored a new nephew.

 ... who I cannot think about without getting a hankering for a sandwich. WELCOME TO THE UNIVERSE, REUBEN! IT'S MOSTLY AN OKAY PLACE!

I bought a car.

I finally accepted that Sven the Volvo, who I'd unofficially inherited from my parents in high school, was possibly no longer the same dashing, reliable, healthy Swede he was in his glory days. Enter Gertie the Barina, a hot little piece of German ass.

I got a great big stinkin' hunk o' Stilton for Valentine's Day.

Because nothing says 'I love you' like mouldy cheese. And because my boyfriend kicks so much ass.

A lot of friends bought houses, got married, engaged, or pregnant/knocked someone up.

I'm terribly happy for all of you, really, but you've made me feel very old and under-achieving.

I ran a marathon.

 

........ it sucked. It was pretty much the most horrible, excruciating thing I've ever done. And also, for some wacky reason possibly related to the aforementioned suckiness, the most satisfying. Hmm.

Also? Man-in-the-background-on-a-bike? You're a dirty cheater. Or maybe just really confused.

I started eating meat again.

...after being a strict vegetarian since I was 8. This was probably the greatest thing I did this year. Bacon, KFC, steak, dinosaur, hotdogs... I was wrong to have ever doubted you.

My Granddad died.

This obviously falls into the 'less gooderer' category, mostly. But really, it was bittersweet. I spend a lot of time thinking (and trying to limit it to 'thinking', not 'worrying') about Grandma and how she's doing. And a lot of time being completely humbled and amazed by his life, their marriage, and what a fantastic hat I inherited from him (it was really the only thing I wanted).

I moved out of home.

...into what is affectionately known as 'Little Mumbai'. I'm sure I will end up posting a lot more about this ridiculous place, where nothing ever makes any sense. This afternoon, for instance, there was a police car, four motorcycles, and a stretch limousine in the carpark. None of them were doing anything in particular. Just hangin'.

I celebrated my two year 'failiversary' with Boyus Angfriend.

Awwww, look at us! We're so young and little! And cute and sweet and innocent!

And......drunk off our tits.

For the first time, I forgot how old I was.

I thought this was just something that happened to really old people. And even then, I kinda thought they were faking it. 'Pfft, how can you forget your own age?!', scoffed my young, naive self, 'That's just RIDICULOUS!'

.... yeah, well, I'm now 23 (at least I think I am), and it's happening to me too. Oh mercy.

I kept NONE of my New Year's resolutions.

Alternatively, I kept ALL of them. Because I made none. Therefore, either way, I win!

(... I think? I'm not sure that it constitutes 'winning'. I won at not failing? Or maybe I failed at aiming for things to win? Or maybe I won at failing to win? Orrrrrr maybe it doesn't matter much.)

fa-la-la-la-la-LA-LA-LA-buttterrrrrrrrrrr

I come from a family of Stingy McGrinchy Scroogey McDucks.

Actually, that's a lie. We're not stingy, nor are we ducks. We're just smart enough to realise that a lot of Christmas festivities exist solely to STEAL OUR MONEY, CAUSE RIFTS AMONG LOVED ONES, FORCE US TO ENDURE CROWDS OF SHOPPERS, and WASTE VALUABLE EATING TIME.

As such, this year, rather than buying for everybody, we're doing a Secret Santa among the adult members of the family, with a $30 limit on gifts.

I got my dad. Given he organised the 'Secret' Santa, I'm pretty sure he deliberately assigned himself to me, as he knows I give the best gifts. Well played, Mr Ingram. Very well played.

I'm in love with the idea of making homemade gifts. I fancy myself a bit of a Nigella Lawson. But less busty. And with less amazing eyebrows. And without children who look like frightfully malnourished aliens. Also, my kitchen is much smaller - and much messier - than hers. But other than that, we're practically twins!!!!!!!! .... in that we both use a lot of saturated fats in our cooking.

I'm also a bit of a Martha Stewart. I'd never thought I was, but I recently read an interview where she confessed her love for Eminem. So now I'm certain we have a lot in common and are probably soulmates.

So, anyway, these delusions of domesticity led to a brainwave. And because of the aforementioned aversions to money-wastage and Christmas shopping crowds, as well as a fondness for creating (read: eating) things that involve a lot of butter and/or sugar, I decided to make my dad a goodie bag of homemade, edible gifts.

First, I made jam - 'Frankincense Relish'. Full of mixed berries, cherries, cloves, allspice, pepper, and a little maple syrup.

Next up was 'Elf Poop' - Christmas themed rocky road, with crushed candy canes and red and green jelly beans, as well as a dash of cinnamon added to the melted chocolate mixture.

I baked a huge batch of muesli/granola, which I dubbed 'Reindeer Kibble'. It's the best kind of muesli there is....AKA the kind that is full of all the leftover crap I hoard in my kitchen. In this case, lots of spices, golden syrup, and caramelised nuts and fruit.

And finally, because it's very important to never lose sight of the religious significance of the occasion, I made 'Baby Jesus' Rusk Sticks' -- caramel and cashew shortbread fingers.

Though humble in appearance, these babies are probably one of the best things I've ever made - burnt butter, brown sugar, honey, vanilla beans, and caramelised, salted cashews. Aaaamazing.

In short, I'm a domestic-motherfucking-goddess. I wish I was a man - and not myself - so I could make me my wife. I'd make me scrub the floors in skimpy underwear and bake me pies and spit on myself. 

POINT ISSSSS: my stinginess led to some fantastic creations that I'm sure will be much appreciated by the recipient on Christmas morning. Unless I eat them all first. In which case....$30 GIFT VOUCHER TIME YAAAAYYYYYyyy.

The first step is admitting you have a problem.

Sometimes I think I'm an exercise/gym/endorphin/pain junkie. I went from complete couch potato sloth to training for a marathon with no real 'in between' time. A strict training schedule became the norm, and I now struggle to know what to do with myself when I'm not running, riding, gyming, yogaing, stretching, or tending to blisters.

Days without training of some sort leave me bored. And confused. What do other people do!? How do they pass the time??! What did I do, back in the day?!

When I'm sick, or injured, or simply know I need some time off to rest, I have no idea how to occupy myself. A full-time job is not adequate. Family and friends and boyfriend can only fill so many hours of the day. I don't own a TV, nor do I enjoy it much. Movies are too long. Books I read in several-page-or-chapter bursts before bed. My attention span is too short for any other kind of time-consuming hobby.

So I've started making a list of things to do on days like today (when the weather is horrible, I had to work stupidly long hours and missed the classes I wanted to attend at the gym, I think I'm on the verge of getting sick, and am well overdue for a total rest day). Little things to keep me occupied.


ALTERNATIVES TO FEELIN' THE BUUUURN:

1. Cleaning/home tasks. I have just vacuumed, emptied the garbage, sorted my recycling, cleaned the toilet, scrubbed the shower, and washed the dishes. I'd consider myself a domestic goddess, but I really don't do a very good job.
2. Play stupid games with yourself. This is a good option.
3. Arbitrary organisation. My condiment cupboard is arranged by height of bottle/jar. My shoes are sorted chronologically by date of purchase. The takeaway menus on my fridge are assigned positions according to a 'deliciousness rating index'. I'm thinking of adding in a 'value for money' axis next week.
4. Practice doing handstands on the couch. This is a bit of a cheat. Some would consider it 'exercise'. I'm so unsuccessful at it, however, that it hardly counts.
5. Delete old text messages/emails. It's both amusing (like when you find two-year-old messages from a drunken co-worker saying things like "meetie me podium save me moose guyssss") and satisfying (like when you suddenly have seemingly UNLIMITED SPACE!.......to fill with more of the same bullshit)!
6. Write dumb blog posts. Or, if necessary to facilitate this, start a blog. I'm fairly sure endorphin-withdrawal and mind-numbing boredom were the reason for this little baby's creation (almost positive that can be said for most babies' creations...).
7. Scour grocery stores' catalogues and/or websites for upcoming specials. And plan your week's shopping accordingly. I am a sucker for a bargain, and obsessively check what will be going on sale as soon as the catalogues are released (Woolworths on Mondays! Aldi and Coles on Thursdays!). Tomorrow, I am seriously considering buying a meat smoker.
8. Engage in basic hygiene practices. I'm sure this is something normal people do regularly and without too much thought... But showering, cutting my toenails, washing my hair and shaving my legs tend to get forgotten more often than not. Don't hate - I'm just keepin' it real. Sometimes I even get extra fancy and do things like paint my nails. Then I award myself 'bonus points' for all the hard work it involved.
9. Prank call your mother. And when she finally stops answering her phone, leave voicemail messages of you crying hysterically so she'll feel terrible and call back in a panic. Then hang up on her.
10. Create culinary masterpieces out of whatever leftovers you have on hand. Like tonight's masterpiece - KFC Popcorn Chicken Alfredo Pasta.

Failing all this, I sleep, eat, and do a spot of online shopping. Which is why it's 7:56pm and I'm about to go to bed: bored, full-bellied, and substantially poorer. Life is good.