THE X FACTOR.

Ever since I was a small child, I've been certain that I was destined to be famous. Not necessarily in the typically-used SUPER-MEGA-OMG-HOLLYWOOD-STARLET way. Maybe a famous author. Or artist. Or journalist. Or politician. Whatever it was, I would be famous for it.

This has yet to occur. Still, I persevere, and a little bit of me can't quite let go of the conviction that I will be the best and I will be adored for it.

As a kid, I thought that my fame would be due to my charisma and wit. Or my book smarts. Or because I was good at having grown up conversations with adults. These, to me at the time, were the things that really set me apart. These would be my ticket to stardom.

As I've got older, I've realised there are other signs that I am destined for celebrity status.


20 REASONS WHY I SHOULD BE FAMOUS:

1. Sometimes, my hair is really, really shiny. It's also swishy, and excellent for tossing in a semi-seductive manner.

2. I spend a lot of time at the gym.

3. I have god-awful tanlines that most people assume are fake.
(I really wish I had a good picture to illustrate this. My criss-cross back tan, thanks to sports bras, is monumental)

4. I'm not opposed to going out in public dressed like this:

 

5. Or this:

6. I am experienced at engaging in typical celebrity behaviour:

7. I drink a lot of highly-caffeinated soft drinks.

8. Pantless is my natural state. Just call me Lady Lala.

9. I have a lot of mostly out-of-date prescription medication in my house. Painkillers, Prozac, Valium... I got it all. It's like being inside Lindsay Lohan's handbag!!!

10. I can often be found devouring a lot of shitty, trashy fast food:

11. I'm dating a personal trainer.

12. I own several pairs of very large sunglasses.

13. I frequently get mixed up when trying to use big words. I recently told my boss all about a big report I was working on. The topic? 'Medical Endeavournimity'.

14. I do yoga.

15. I go on dates with much younger men:

16. I have very skinny arms that could well be attributed to some kind of 'cocaine and diet Red Bull' diet, paired with never lifting anything heavier than a Louis Vuitton shopping bag.

17. I'm friends with the bouncers at several clubs.

18. I often dress like a hobo and pretend it's 'shabby-chic':

19. I have friends with names like 'Amber' and 'Mandy' and 'Tiffany'.

20. I'm always covered in an assortment of bruises, scrapes and scars, that could caused by domestic violence, drug use, of self-harming behaviours. In reality, they're mostly just because I'm careless, clumsy, and pretty much blind.


And so there you have it. See ya'll in rehab!!!!