motherbeepin' beephead piece of beep son of a beep.

For the past week now, my neighbours' apartment has been beeping.

It is this persistent BEEP BEEP BEEP......BEEP BEEP BEEP that can be heard from everywhere in the building. And neighbouring buildings. And the carpark. And down the street.

At first I assumed it was an alarm clock or malfunctioning microwave or something. I assumed it'd either stop by itself, or my neighbours would come home and disconnect whatever was making the noise.

But it didn't stop. And then I found out my neighbours are away on holiday. Awww, isn't that nice! Good for them! I hope they have a lovely time!

I wasn't worried. I figured that sooner or later the batteries in whatever it was would die, and we'd all be left in peace. No biggie. It wasn't bothering me that much anyway. Just a little bit of beeping in the background. I even began to kind of like it. I imagined it was this cheerful, chirpy little voice greeting me everywhere I went, like some kind of fuzzy little bird. 'GOOD MORNING GOOD MORNING GOOD MORNING! ... GOOD MORNING GOOD MORNING GOOD MORNING!' it was saying to me while I brushed my teeth. 'HAVE A NICE DAY HAVE A NICE DAY HAVE A NICE DAY! .... HAVE A NICE DAY HAVE A NICE DAY HAVE A NICE DAY!' it would sing as I left for work.

... three days later it was not 'a little bit of beeping' and I wasn't so sure it was the benevolent little birdy I'd imagined. It had become a constant, nagging scream of some kind of bloodthirsty pterodactyl in the back of my mind. I found myself doing weird things like walking up the stairs in time to it. STEP STEP STEP....STEP STEP STEP. And typing to its rhythm: CLICK CLICK CLICK....CLICK CLICK CLICK. I started chewing my gum to the beat of the beeping; I began blinking in time to it.

Has anyone read 'A Wrinkle in Time'? It was one of my favourite books as a kid. You know the bit where the giant brain begins to control them and they feel their breathing and heartbeats aligning with its pulse!? That's what this was like. But instead of an enormous, slimy, quivering, pulsing, disembodied brain, it was a sonic-poltergeist: an invisible, mischievous, malicious spirit, haunting the uninhabited apartment #3 with its reign of noise-terror.

This is the door of #3...

This is how the door of #3 appears in my mind...

fuuuuckkkkk youuuuuu.

 I haaaaate #3. I want to kick the door in every time I pass it. I hate the people who live at #3, despite never having met them. I hate them for going on holiday. I hate them for owning appliances that beep relentlessly. I hate their door handle. If I knew what their favourite TV show was, I would hate that too. They are mean-spirited idiots. If they ever come to my door asking to borrow a cup of flour, I will laugh in their face...and then probably give them a cup of flour. And invite them in for tea and cake. And agree to pet-sit for them next time they go away. But I'll do it begrudgingly.

 I've started making weird deals with the universe. If I'm really quiet from now on, please make the beeping stop. I spazzed out at Boyus Angfriend when he groaned that the toilet was making too much noise after being flushed: 'SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP! DON'T MAKE IT ANGRY! IT'LL TELL THE BEEPING!.....He's sorry, Toilet! He didn't mean it! You make all the noise you want! That's A-OK!.....YOU IDIOT, WHY DID YOU GET THE TOILET OFF-SIDE?!?!?'

A couple of times, the beeping has relented.

The other night Boyus Angfriend shook me awake, excitedly whispering 'it's stopped! IT'S STOPPED!!!' 

And it had. But this is the worst bit.

For a beautiful 24 hours or so, there was peace. Until, at approximately 3AM, it'd start up at full force again. This has happened about 4 times since then. Hours - blissful, glorious hours! - of silence, followed by a rejuvenated, re-energised enthusiasm for noise-pollution.

Today it found a new trick: 'BEEP BEEP BEEP.... BEEP BEEP BEEP...... [a few minutes of silence]....BEEP BEEP BEEP!'

It thinks it's so funny. So clever. So goddamn witty.

Little does it know I'm making a deal with the fridge. Beeping fuckhead is gonna be so screwed. I'd tell you my plan, but I'm not yet sure whose side the computer is on.