A game.

I frequently find myself with nothing much to do. This is probably a sign that I need to get off my ass and do some of the tasks that are piling up (washing, vacuuming, gardening, organising my funds, tending to my eyebrows…), or else set myself some new goals and endeavour to achieve them (learn to play piano, take up chess, become a professional tennis player, plan an overseas trip, further my career, make more friends, achieve success as a ballerina…). 

Instead, I like to play word games with myself. I’ve chosen to view it as an important part of my mental, intellectual, and emotional wellbeing. These games keep my mind active. They challenge my memory and problem solving skills. They allow me to ‘win’ without actually achieving anything at all. They’re good for my self esteem.

My latest favourite involves imagining I have an advice column in a well-respected magazine or newspaper. People write to me with their dilemmas. And in return, I offer them an embarrassingly low-quality pun on their situation, incorporating the title of a well known book.

My rationale: it would be all too easy to offer them sensible, well-thought-out advice. That’s not what these people need. They need a laugh. They need intellectual stimulation. They need a distraction from their woes. They need to know that someone, somewhere, is more pathetic than them.
I am not afraid to be that someone.

My imaginary ‘advice’ columns, so far…

Q: "Dear Lizzi, after a recent one-night stand, I have contracted an STD. where do I go from here?"
A: THE BURN OF THE SCREW.

Q: "Dear Lizzi, I have a very embarrassing night-time flatulence problem. It’s really interfering with my love life, as I’m too ashamed to share a bed with anyone. Help!"
A: THE WIND IN THE PILLOWS.

Q: “Dear Lizzi, I have a lot of travel coming up for work. There will be many long airport waits, flights, and lonely nights in hotel rooms alone. I need a book to entertain me – preferably something complex, time-consuming and thought-provoking. Any recommendations?”
A: TRAVELS WITH MY KANT.

Q: “Dear Lizzi, I have been invited on a hiking trek with my new boss and co-workers. I’m eager to impress, but have a history of spinal injuries and don’t want to exacerbate them. How should I deal with this without seeming like a party pooper?”
A: BROKEN BACK—MOUNTAIN?!

Q: “Dear Lizzi, I am in severe financial trouble and need help. My bills have piled up and I’m completely overwhelmed by the situation. I’ve always been well-off in the past, and I’m so embarrassed by how things have changed. I need to ask my family and friends for help, but it’s just so humiliating. What should I do?”
A: THE SCARLET DEBTOR.

Q: "Dear Lizzi, my friend borrowed my Lord of the Rings DVD set years ago and I want it back, but I’ve left it so long I’m ashamed to ask. Help!"
A: PRIDE AND LEGOLAS.

Q: "Dear Lizzi, on a recent sailing trip, I got very seasick and vomited all over a shirt I had borrowed from my friend. It’s very badly stained with an array of puke-colours. What should I do!!?"
A: THE SHIPPING HUES.

Q: “Dear Lizzi, my neighbours have recently invested in a swimming pool for their backyard and have since partaken in a great deal of bikini-and-speedo-clad fun in the sun. They are not, however, particularly aesthetically pleasing to me, and I find their semi-naked bodies a bit of an eyesore. I don’t want to offend by asking them to cover up, but would really like an easy way to avoid seeing them, while still being able to enjoy the great outdoors of my garden. What can I do?”
A: [higher]FENCE AND SENSIBILITY.

...and so on and so forth. Feel free to adapt this game for your own time-wasting purposes. It would be just as effective with movie titles, TV shows, board games, song lyrics, famous quotations, legal documents, advertising jingles, or bible passages. Have fun!